A Want or a Need?

Is love really needed?

No, really. Think about it. Do you really need love to be happy? It seems like I do, but maybe it's just because that is what I was brought up believing. Why is it that almost every little girl dreams of being a princess and finding Mr. Prince Charming? Why are we brain washed thinking that love is some sort of goal, some sort of twisted accomplishment that separates the "happy" people? Why can't we just embrace the simple matters of compatibility?

I'm rambling. I know. I just don't understand why I'm ruining the only thing that is making me happy right now. I harass my boyfriend. I pressure him. I make him feel like some sort of evil guy for not saying those three golden words... I-love-you. But why? I want to learn how to just be happy. Just be now. To forget about the future, about my plans, about my goals, and to focus on now. I need your advice, readers.

Double Minded

So, blog readers, I'm in this relationship with a wonderful guy and we've been going at it for over two months. Yeah, not THAT long, but still, with seeing someone every single day you feel like you've been with them for eternity. Well, everything is going great, however we are on separate pages in our relationship. I love him. I truly do, and what scares me is that I'm willing to risk and give EVERYTHING for him. That's just not okay. Why does he have so much power over me?

He's not in love with me, yet. He tells me that he likes me very much, but we all know it's not the same. He has told me several times that he doesn't know if he will ever get married. Alina being Alina is freaked out by this. I'm a relationship person that aims for the gold... aka marriage, and that is the only soul reason for dating.

Another conflict is our religions... well in his part, lack there of. With my religion, its basically wrong to be with him. It's a conflict of interests that I cannot handle. I need my religion, my structure, my faith, but I can't seem to give him up.

We almost broke up last night. I had all my stuff packed up in the car, ready to go, but I couldn't say goodbye, and neither could he. But if we aren't meant to be together, then why are we? I'm just so lost and confused by this situation. Opinions?

Can you please stop bursting my bubble?

No. No. NO. no. No. nO. NOOOOO!!!

Why is it that the word "no" comes up so much in the English language? You may also know it as "impossible", "Not a chance", or "keep dreaming". All these variations of "no" come up constantly within a day's time, even in an hour, but why?

When I was younger, I was full of aspirations and I tended to share my dreams with my mother. Of course I got the smile and the "keep dreaming" or some other remark with the indication that it would never happen. My dream was apparently unobtainable. I never understood why she kept shooting down all my ideas, but maybe it was to protect me?

Who gave YOU the power to shut down MY ideas? Yeah, maybe I said I wanted to grow wings one day and fly around the world, which I wouldn't, but still why is it that you put on this face like I'm either nuts or telling a joke? For some unexplainable reason we tend to shut down each other's ideas.

Stop hindering my greatness! I bet when Ben Franklin said "hey, I'm going to stick this kite in the air and discover electricity" I bet someone laughed at him, but then he didn't it. Yeah, take that you jerk! I guess we can view other people's doubt as motivation to do better, or to actually achieve the task. In that case, keep doubting me so I achieve all I want.

Thanks Mom for doubting me!

Robbing me of time...

Why is it that my time with Ben, the current boyfriend, is being taken from me? Why am I so robbed of the time with him? UGHHHH, I'm currently hating on India right now for stealing him from me.

At least there's a chance that he'll return. High hopes, fingers crossed, and buying a rabbit's foot. He's absolutely amazing, and too good to lose. The kid just walked up to me, kissed me, and said I was beautiful. The simplicity of our relationship is so refreshing. I can't pass what we have up....

Stay strong little girl...

Is it love?

So what exactly defines love? Before you continue to read, please take this time to let me know what you think, or what you fell love is.

How do I define love? Well, I'm not so sure anymore. There's love and being in love, and I thought I had been in love twice before, but maybe not. The "Can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kinda stuff" maybe hasn't happened for me. I know, I'm confusing, but let me explain my past "loves."

First there's boyfriend A, the first boyfriend. He fit perfectly into my family. I mean like the missing puzzle piece that my family wanted me to fine. He is about a year and a half older than me, very strong willed, and cuban. Gotta have that hispanic in you. My grandmother even loved him. Was I in love with him or was I in love with him fitting perfectly into my planned out life? Either way, I do love him in a 'I'll make sure you're okay' kind of way, but our relationship ended after over two years, and now he's engaged.

Secondly, there's boyfriend B. He happened three weeks after the break up of boyfriend A. He was my best friend before we dated. We were ALWAYS together, minus his honors and AP courses and my regular ones. We did have one class together, Physics. My favorite class, and now that I think about it, he helped it become my favorite class. This boyfriend was also the family type, and cuban. He was/is smart, caring, dorky, and a pretty good cook. Our relationship last seven months, and only distance broke us up. He stimulated me intellectually. I wanted to be as smart as he was, and in turn, my grades were much better. I couldn't possibly see us together now, but he is still one of my best friends. But was I in love with him? He was another boy that came with a "Daddy's Stamp of Approval," but I'm not sure if I liked him for myself, or because of the approval stamp. Maybe I did.

The source that caused these questions is my current boyfriend. I met him under unusual circumstances, and never really saw us dating, but definitely hanging out. We started talking, and he warned me that he was leaving to go out of the country pretty soon, and wasn't sure where his life would take him after that. I knew that with this guy I couldn't afford to get attached. I needed to control my emotions and just enjoy the ride. Well, that was a joke. I like him, because I LIKE HIM. I didn't search for the daddy stamp, that thought didn't even cross my mind, but now I'm in this rut. He's leaving and it sucks, because out of all boyfriends, or guys I've "dated," he makes me the happiest... and I'm losing him. Ugh. So that is why I wonder if I actually was in love with the others.

I'm not saying I'm in love with him... be he is loved. I'll never tell him that though.

So again, what is love?

Mind Alterations

Can I have an order of drugs, drugs, drugs, and also some drugs? Oh, can I have an extra side of druggie sauce to go?

They are all around me. They surround me. Sometimes, they even haunt me. Straight up, I don't take any mind altering substances other than things that I have been put on by "doctor's orders," although these drugs fascinate me. I have plenty of friends that are abusers, and that have offered, but fear keeps me away.

What is so special about these highs? I wonder. I've learned that you can get a high off of basically anything and that they come in an array of forms. Powder, plants, condensed air, pills, liquids... taken by your nose, mouth, veins, and whatever else you can put drugs into. The devices people use are crazy... beautifully crafted glass "bongs", classic looking pipes, a doctor's needle, even a straw. Do you like whipped cream? Ha, imagine what you can do with that device. It amazes me the endless possibilities there are, but yet the area remains foreign to me. Untouched. "Taboo."

I probably will never experience the "powder," the "M's," or the other crazy crap people put into their bodies for mental alteration, so instead I will question what their experiences were. Feel free to post without your name and enlighten me. It's interests me.

A lost Passion?

When I was younger, all I wanted to do was dance. Even throughout high school, with every career path I considered, I tried to tie it into dance. Business woman? Own a studio. Teacher? Teach within a studio. I just wanted to dance.

How did I lose focus? When did I lose my focus? WHY the loss? What can be more important than my passion, my outlet, or my health? You might think I'm being slightly over dramatic, but then you don't full understand my attachment, my need for dancing. People have their different ways of stress relief. Some go to a spa, or have retail therapy. Many turn to drugs and addictions for an escape. Well I had my dancing. My only way to get out the aggressive tensions that would build up. My only way to forget about the assholes I had to deal with. Dancing was my addiction. I needed it.

I danced in a studio since I was four. When I was ten, I took a hiatus because my family moved to Florida. Then I started back in studio when I was sixteen, but even in my hiatus I danced in my church and school. I loved to dance so much, that I would be excited when I was left home alone, because that meant I could dance freely with my music blasting. Constantly dancing. There were days that I had dance class at school, after school, then off to church or studio for some more training. It was the only thing I had.

So what happened? I came to college and poof, my escape was gone, and let me tell you it took effect. Depression unfortunately runs in my family and needs to be medicated for my mother. I never really had time to realize my depression spells, because whenever I was sad, I'd just dance. I can't do it anymore. Instead of dancing, I just lock myself in my room and turn into this either emotional hot mess, or a soul-less creature. Granted, the adjustment to college didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped; with family deaths, bad relationships, and awful grades, but I never thought I could get to that point. Anyway, depression spells are a different topic...

I'm just curious as to how I could stray away from something I love so dearly. It frustrates me, and if there's one piece of advice that I could give, it is that you should never allow anything to get in the way of your escape. Hopefully I can reunite with my passion soon.